Friday, March 23, 2012

Optional

Sorry for the radio silence. I have been quite overwhelmed by things in life and work.
When you have kids, they are the priority, no matter what age they are. Part of taking care of the kids is having a job (or two) which demands certain amounts of time. Then the pull of life maintenance, cleaning, laundry, the minutia that makes up our existence . It seems to me that there is a constant state of urgency any more. Very little grace or balance in an ordinary life.
Relationships are less about interaction with a flesh and blood person. I swear I text my daughter more than I talk to her. And my son has more friends over x box than at his school. I am pretty anti social. But I do need human contact, and would rather bite my tongue off than ask for it. I have been called a cactus and a prickly pear since I was a kid.
These days social integration is done by an "app" on your phone. The illusion of contact and friendship. But that contact can be at your convenience, it is optional.
Even with that, there is the ongoing pull of never shutting down.It is a mind drain for me, along with all the other demands.
I have always quoted Nietzsche " that which does not kill us makes us stronger" but I am now thinking that is some bullshit.
I have never been the sort to pour my heart out. But there is a process to dealing with trauma. Even small hurts need to be healed.
Saying that going through a difficult time or event will make you stronger, may be true, eventually. But there are some steps in between. My usual path of, "rub some dirt on it and get back in the game" has probably caused more harm than it has helped. ( thanks dad)
One of the best people I know was recently hurt very badly by some one they love. As I listen to her pain, I marveled at her strength in just expressing that she was hurt. I personally am NEVER hurt. (fuck you very much for suggesting it)
My knee jerk reaction is to want to protect my friend, to make it right for her. In this case, I can't fix it. She has to hurt, to grieve, and to find her way to peace with what has happened.
My question is this... How do I find the strength to do this for myself?
Where do you learn to say, "I need..." in a way that is not needy?
How can you get what you want, with out being a drama queen. (which is worse than anything to me)
Is being human, and hurting and healing a necessity or is it optional?

2 comments:

  1. I don't know how to reply to this, I love you with all my heart, I don't want you to feel pain, but you MUST. But for just a little while, I know you do, but hold it in. Please. I'm here for you, you know that. Be a drama queen once in a blue moon, get it out and about there. I love you, my sister.

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  2. It's a necessity. So you may as well get on with it. You know?

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